I Fell In Love With A Faceless Person
Jul 21 2008 | Views 496 |
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Tags: fear of intimacy bharatmatromony.com internet match.com ET Case Study
Tags: fear of intimacy bharatmatromony.com internet match.com ET Case Study
In a shocking revelation, in Marie Claire, July 2008 issue,(pg 75-77), a young girl reveals her addition to a boy she met in Match.com. I simple email that was sent to her saying almost very little, started a round of communication that resulted in falling in love with him.
But what ensued between the two is of importance. Over the two years that this relationship (if we may say so) continued, the rapid email exchanges finally lead to exchange of phone numbers. “ We talked for hours every day, professing our love for each other, shared our deepest feelings and had intimate phone-sex – but never a single date”. Slowly she began to wait for the time she could speak to him and they could just “be” with each other. She started to pull out of meeting and outings with her friends and even stopped socializing altogether. So she was cocooned within herself, with her friends all slowly deserting her. Then one day, as she drove home with a girlfriend, he called. Just by chance she gave the cell to her friend and said, “ say Hi to Joe”
In just a couple of days, she got to know that her boyfriend (if we can call him that) was speaking to her friend as well and wooing her. Next she knew was they were having tele-sex as well and finally, what did not happen in her case, happened in her friend’s. Joe and her boyfriend actually met and went to bed.
Naturally, she was devastated. She had wasted two years on a man, she had never met.
What caused this to happen? And why does it happen?
In this particular case, the boy was scared of getting intimate with anyone, after he lost his father he said.
We can sit back and blame the Internet for everything. We can say, that it is the advent of Internet that has changed the very way we interact with people now and that more and more people are getting on to the net and logging into Social Networking portals. Thus, whether they are at work or home, they can keep themselves engaged and entertained by the millions of faceless/ fictitious names and faces.
I am told that it has come to such a point, that web cams are now being used not to show face but to show and titillate other parts of the body with mock orgasmic sounds emitted by two individuals on two different computers, maybe even continents away from each other. Yet, after all this fore and post play, if you ask any one of them, to meet you, for the real act, or even to see each other to make friends, they both resist doing that, or at least one does. The reason being, they enjoy the mock play, but not the real thing. Why?
Fear of intimacy is perhaps one of the most prevalent diseases of our times. Or let us say, fear to commit. Indeed, it has even become pathological. Watch for these symptoms -
- Obsessive need to be in touch or be noticed/acknowledged by the other, without really wanting to get involved.
- Lying to everyone concerned in order to make oneself available to the other. For example: I can’t come with you to the shop because, I have some urgent work to attend to right away, when really there is none.
- Going through withdrawal symptoms if the connection is not made/ or withdrawn
- Yet, inability to give more than words, to that relationship. In fact, not wanting to at all.
- Being selfishly concerned with oneself only in order to get what one wants
- Fear of “losing” something, if one gets involved.
- Inability to move on in life, holding on to the past
- Substituting love, for money or food.
In a distressing presentation I saw at Pragati Maidan in 1996, is recounted here. There was a large screen showing a lady sitting at one corner of her drawing room. On the wall hung another screen, which apparently was human voice sensitive. Hence, she wanted to go to the Bahamas. All she did was say – show me Bahamas/ Show me my room at the Hotel California/ Show me this and show me that and all she asked for was coming on to the screen. I was horrified then. If not fully, partially, even more than 50% these facts are real to day. So if we are never going to use our hands and legs any more because we don’t need to, since all is available at hand and through a touch/voice screen, is the future of humans 
I invite MARIA S, Social Scientist and Reflector, Psychologist, to please give us a feedback.
According to Reflector, more lovingly called Reffy, in Sulekha,
Internet relationships, although differing in the actual meeting, share much in common with other forms of intimate relationships. Regardless of how couples meet, similar processes are involved assessing genuiness, building trust and intimacy, discovering compatibility and expressing emotions. Internet gives men and women more options to finding a partner.
The Internet is fast and immediate so many things can be learnt about a person in a short period. Intensity of relationship built up online. The Internet allows people to more openly discuss things that they may feel uncomfortable discussing in person. They feel safe and less vulnerable online. This comfortableness allowed them to talk more freely, especially about their emotions. Consequently, the couples became close very fast and exchanged confidences much earlier than they would have in an offline encounter. Communicating through the Internet helps overcome shyness. . Meeting through the Internet has both positives and negative aspects as do other ways of meeting.
The fear of intimacy has a number of different causal factors. Past experiences with abuse and/or neglect, may predispose an individual to being fearful of allowing themselves to become vulnerable to a new relationship. Other closely associated fears such as the fear of abandonment may precipitate a guarded behavior, effectively shutting down the possibility of an intimate relationship. Individuals who are raised in families where there is little emotional intimacy are often fearful of establishing emotional intimacy with marital partners.
Fear of intimacy involves the reluctance to open up and reveal your true self, perhaps because you've been hurt in the past. Or, if you grew up in an emotionally and socially closed environment and never learned how to be vulnerable to either friends or lovers, you may have a hard time opening up now. This is fear of intimacy. We've all been betrayed and hurt by loved ones in big and small ways – a thousand tiny betrayals. Regardless of the pain was accidentally or deliberately caused, we’re naturally reluctant to open ourselves up again. Not wanting to get hurt can lead to an extreme fear of intimacy.
Fear of intimacy involves the reluctance to open up and reveal your true self, perhaps because you've been hurt in the past. Or, if you grew up in an emotionally and socially closed environment and never learned how to be vulnerable to either friends or lovers, you may have a hard time opening up now. This is fear of intimacy. We've all been betrayed and hurt by loved ones in big and small ways – a thousand tiny betrayals. Regardless of the pain was accidentally or deliberately caused, we’re naturally reluctant to open ourselves up again. Not wanting to get hurt can lead to an extreme fear of intimacy.
The strongest foundation of an intimate partnership is a good friendship. Whether you're friends or lovers (or both) there are three elements of a strong, healthy relationship: authenticity, communication, and honesty. These three elements can lower fear of intimacy
Three elements that reduce fear of intimacy and are the check points to know where the relationship is headed…they are
Authenticity: your feelings match your words and actions. If you feel angry or betrayed, you express yourself with words and behavior (remember that 90% of communication is nonverbal, which means that even if you don’t speak your feelings, your actions will likely reveal them). You'll feel vulnerable and afraid - there's no getting around that!
Communication: Mutual self-disclosure occurs when the two of you share your personal and everyday experiences. You open up at the same level; for instance, you both discuss experiences of being betrayed in the past – or neither of you shares it. You meet each other at the same level in terms of the amount and type of personal experiences and thoughts you disclose. If mutual self-disclosure doesn’t happen, then you’re in an unbalanced relationship. One partner has opened their heart, while the other has hidden it away.
Honesty: You talk about what's going on in your life, how you really feel and what you really think. You reveal what’s important to you, which builds trust in your relationship. You don’t play games, such as expecting your partner to read your mind or dropping hints instead of saying what you really mean. You may still have a fear of intimacy, but you're honest about it
© Julia Dutta., all rights reserved.
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