Renuka, 25,was exasperated. She did not want to return home. She was afraid, dreadfully scared of her husband. He was a pest of a different nature. He demanded sex, all the time. On weekends, she hardly got an opportunity to leave the bedroom. His sexual desire was insatiable. In the beginning she enjoyed it. She felt wanted but it turned out that the desire for her was more of a satisfaction for him. Too many times a day, almost every day. It had just become too much. In fact, she almost became frigid due to over exploitation of her body.

Rakesh, her husband of two years had an insatiable desire for sex, a desire that Renuka could not match. She resisted. But that made him pout. And put up tantrums. Renuka gave in , in spite of herself, again and again. When it happened after a gap, the acts would be far too many as if her husband was making up for lost time.

Renuka was tired. She filed for divorce and was granted the decree.

In time, Renuka remarried.She was 30. She hoped that this time, she would find, love, companionship, and togetherness, which will make her feel wanted and loved in a way, every woman dreams of from her husband. She got lucky. Suchinta, 31, was exactly that. In fact, he was a wonderful man, very caring and loving. However, he was the opposite of Rakesh. He had no sexual desire at all.

While Renuka felt over used from the ex-marriage with Rakesh, she was left in the cold so to say with Suchinta. He was a warm human being, but never hot. Lots of loving and hugging, but absolutely no sex. Was destiny playing a cruel joke on her? From absolute excess to desert dry? Renuka, became awfully anxious. She felt ashamed to say it aloud to him and so she began to demand for their child. She said she wanted to become a mother!

Viagra came to aid and Suchinta performed satisfactorily to help the conception and birth of their first child – a daughter. Once the job was done, then again it all fell into plateau state.

The anxiety between the couple grew and finally, Renuka mustered enough courage to want to break away from this marriage too. She felt deprived of an essential part of marriage. She was young and she too had physical needs to act upon. For the first time in her life, she realized, just love and care was not enough.

Words began to spread around in close quarters. Suchinta found an excuse: it was Renuka’s fault that she could not arouse him.

Renuka did not want to address that accusation. She needed to move on. She began to see a lawyer. She was now 32, Suchinta, 33 and their baby daughter, eighteen months old.

My question is: Is too much or too little sex in a marriage a good enough reason for the marriage to fall apart? Are Renuka’s grievances, justified? Or is something wrong with her? She has been almost sexually abused by Rakesh for two years, why then can she not relax with Suchinta, and the gift of too little after the harassment she faced earlier? So what if Suchilta was unable to satisfy her physically, by way of sexual intercourse, he was indeed a loving man? Hence, it is not as they are not involved sexually in other acts.

Is Renuka being too demanding. How much is right and how much is too much? How many times in a week/month? Is sex so vital to a marriage? And if so, what is the role of sex in marriage? 

I have some pointers -

-         Sex in marriage/partnership/friendship is an indicator of total surrender. It is the ultimate sharing between two people who love each other romantically. It is therefore very important.

-         It is a stress buster. In case you have had a fight with each other, and make up and love finally, all is forgotten immediately. It transcends all dialogue, conversation, pacts and agreements. It is a direct statement which says: I love and desire you. Period.

-         Sex is good for health because it releases a refreshing feel good by bathing  the body and brain with the hormone, adrenaline.

-         In couple intimate behavior, sex plays a pivotal role in the first 18 – 24 months of togetherness reducing its incidence of happening, as the days and years go by. By this time, the couple has reached a comfort zone with each other. They may probably have responsibilities by then too, like their first new born.

-         Yet, occasionally, sometimes many a time, sex is an important ingredient of a happy marriage. 

-         This is not to discount, emotional and spiritual intimacy that couples build during this time. Couples who are intellectually bound to each other, begin to work together in different projects, or plan them for the future. From talking and reading Pickwick Papers and Gone With The Wind, they may begin to do papers together or participating in each others’ intellectual pursuance, dreams and achievements.

Still at the bottom of it all, no matter, how many times, when, how and where, sex does go on. Failing which, are we to say, a marriage may come apart?

If so, why? What is the real reason?