Sachin is the only son of Kamala, 72. He has one elder sister, who is married and has a daughter. But she has not been able to live in her marital house, being more often than not, forced to live with her mother. Reason? Her mother is aging and all alone in her house. In the absence of a husband, Kamala is being looked after by her daughter. But, is this not what is supposed to be done by and son in a middle class Bengali family? Yes, of course! And Sachin is doing it. After all, he is earning a big six figure salary all of which is tax free from his job in Kuwait as a Design Head of a Company. His remunerations come into his ICICI Bank account and he has instructed his mother and sister that they can withdraw money without being at all stingy about it. His mother must have every need fulfilled. A beautiful white marble house, three floors, with modern, western amenities and restrooms, although she can live on the ground floor. The house is fully air conditioned. A battery of servants serve the elderly lady. His elder sister, lives close by with her family but is usually living with her mother in Sachin’s house. The mother is ailing and asthmatic and has a heart condition. She is a frequent patient at Kolkata’s plush Belle Vue Hospital with heart or lung problems.
And although, she longs to be and see her son, Sachin, who comes every six months or so for a week, is rarely at home when he is in Kolkata. After all, Kolkata is his city. He has friends to meet up with and girlfriends he must take out for dinner. So Kamala must bottle up her feeling.
Sachin does make pretentious statements that he will return to India. But, by now her maternal heart knows he will not. The primary reason being finances. What she does not know is Sachin has a free life in Kuwait. He call daily, wraps her in abundance of goods and finances and makes six-monthly visits. This should suffice, he thinks.
But his mother wants him to return to India. After all she is not sure how long she will live. But even the best offers in India, are less than a quarter of what he receives in Kuwait. No, it’s not what will satisfy Sachin. After all, by staying in Kuwait, he is giving his mother all the luxuries that money can buy. His sister is there to look after her on a daily basis, while he makes the money most needed for a luxurious life he wants for his mother and himself. He knows his mother hankers to see him, but there is this business of providing for a good life too. So, something has to be given up to get something else.
Only that something is a human need. The need to be close to her son and feel secure in the knowledge that he is around, when she breathes her last. He could have taken her to Kuwait to live with him, but that would mean giving up his freedom to a certain extent. Besides, India was a cost effective option, in all respect.
Interpretation:
At the face of it, it seems that everything is in exactly the best place as it should be. But a closer look gives out some of the startling facts of this Case Study. Please note, we are making some interpretations, based on life in modern metropolitan India.
Sachin comes from a middle class family although today he is among the nauveau rich. He has been brought up with middle class values, which come as a package with the class. So we can assume that he is aware that he must be responsible for looking after his parents. And even if he has an elder sister, the onus of that responsibility will be his. Hence, in this case already there is a gap in what was taught and what is being practiced. But, Sachin has been involved with bread-earning and although there is enough, the taste of higher remunerations and career improvements has displaced the old learning for the new image he likes to see himself in. There is however, a cost to pay as well. Only his elder sister is paying that price. Normally, she aught to be more involved with her own marital home, but since her mother is widowed and aging and ailing, she must put her own home aside to take care of mother as Sachin is out of country. There is no dearth of money, but Sachin is not willing to return as he also will have to forego his carefree life for a life of responsibly. He feels by keeping the financial abundance in his family, he is doing his duty. But his mother is not happy. She longs to be with her son. But, that poses many discomforts for Sachin. It is better, if this responsibly is managed by his sister in Kolkata, even though she is paying the price by sacrificing her own need to be with her family.
SWOT:
Strength: Sachin has a great job in Kuwait with prospect of career and higher income. He is able to afford the best for his mother because of this. The quality of their lives as a middle class family has improved in leaps and bounds. They can in fact live a life of luxury now.
Weakness: Sachin cannot fulfill his mother’s wishes to have him close to her. He cannot keep her insecurities of breathing her last, without seeing him at bay. His sister is sacrificing her own home for her mother. Sachin is not sensitive to this because there is the business of finances to look after as well as his carefree life in Kuwait. Hence, the balance is tilting on his side.
Opportunity: He can put an end to his job in Kuwait, and take on one in India, albeit with a sizable drop of salary. His prospects in India, now that he will return from working abroad will get better. With India becoming a global major in many sectors, his prospect increases as he has worked with teams worldwide and hence, he becomes the Best Choice for any company. Hence, his salary and benefits will increase likewise.
He also has the opportunity to go on his own and start his own company here, because he has money as well as global experience. He can start up a 100% EOU. He can even become a Consultant to many companies interested to venture into India.
Most importantly, he will be with his mother and thereby fulfill the demand of middle class values he had imbibed but which he now has compromised for want of a carefree life and high financial returns from work.
Threat: He will have to adjust to lower remunerations. To start up a new company requires time and finances which he may not be willing to invest, although being in Bengal, he may be able to generate the finances from Banks. Last but certainly not the least, he will lose his freedom and carefree life to a certain extent.
Summary: Sachin is suffering from tunnel vision. He presumes that money can replace or completely take care of old age health problems. He cannot see the emotional needs that are crying out for fulfillment in his mother. Nor does he really mind that his sister has to compromise her family, to look after their mother on a day to day basis. His middle class values have been replaced by the lure of money. Besides, he prefers his life of freedom to the life of bondage and responsibilities. He is covering this guilt with abundant finances for his family in India. But his mother needs reassurance and not his money. Besides, he has actually decided not to return under any circumstances, but he is not telling his mother that, keeping her in hope that he will return, but subconsciously, he is aware that the time is limited for his mother’s life and hence, once that is over, which will at some time or the other, he can break free to another country altogether. It is only a matter of time and he can maintain status quo. It serves him best, whatever be the other cost he has to bear to achieve this end.
Really, it is a Win situation for only him.
As far as his mother’s wishes are concerned, he is speaking to her every day and he does come to India every six months and he hopes that in case of an Emergency, he will be there beside her, without having to make any shifts now. He has logically put away the middle class values and replaced them with needs of a different kind. These values are looking after his mother meaning being there in person rather than replacing his presence with his money. Which for the mother is unfulfilling.
It has never occurred to him that there are advantages of becoming an Entrepreneur in India, as both timing and place right now are just right. No, after all, India is not Kuwait, Canada or Australia, Europe or America, where he is a frequent traveler and Project Head. Plus, he has his own life to lead, which cannot be compromised.
Conclusion: Is this the price to pay? Money, for love and a life carefree?
Note: The present Case Study is based on real life situation, in exactly the way it is presented. All names have been however changed. Any resemblance to any other case of this nature is purely incidental.
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Mr Datta,
All points taken and honoured too. I am sorry for the delay in response time. I have been very busy of late and could not view my blog at all. I have requested many on Sulekha especially senior citizens to comment on this post, because the present Case Study will be published most probably in Dignity Dialogue, the magazine for Seniour Citizens, and I wanted a feed back. But most failed to comment and I am happy about your strong voice of resistance. It was needed on this post.
Regarding, the SWOT, the poet I believe is a B-School Grad as well and a Advertising professional and so dear Mr Datta I must confess that some habits die hard
Julia
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Julia Dutta,
Not all fathers and mothers are "male obsessed". We just have one daughter and are happy. The present tendencies in the Society that it approves or overlooks children ignoring the parents' needs.
Your Case study is one of the "very good situations",in general sons do not even give adequate money to meet the physical needs of parents. I know sons who own BMWs & Lexus but parents still live in 2 room apartament and uses public transport.People dance around these when they visit for small goodies.
I read some one suggesting - "middle class values" - should change - why? which ones? In any case - how many are guided by such values ? Do we need the change - so that these can get the stamp of legitimacy? I did not expect you to endorse that view .
I believe, we need many many "Assisted Living" places where these parents and elders can take shelter. It could be from good expensive ones to those who have meagre means. These will let the elders live with dignity.NGOs could assist these elders to find a purpose in life so that they are not haunted being lonely.
Pardon me- your SWOT analysis make me feel I am reading a B-school case material not from some one who has been honoured as a poet.
God bless.
Ratan Datta
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Naval,
Thanks for a positive response. Yes, times have changed and compromises cannot be the order of the day any more, which ever place or person it might come from. Thanks for visiting,
Julia
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To Ms. Julia Dutta
The oldage poses certain challenges to a person. How to resolve it, that depends upon the person and his/her position. Here in the given case there seems no confrontation of the interests or wishes. And to live apart is the need of the time. In India or abroad, living far away from other family members, perticularly the parents is an usual thing. One should accept it as part of the life.
However one week a six moth with mother would be a good solution for the guy who is making his own future more an more safe.
Naval Langa
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Anjala,
Thank you for being here and adding to the value of this post with your comment. I would like to put in my observations on this what you have just said - Would this case be viewed differently if there were two daughters instead of one son and a daughter? I ask, because I do see a difference, in cases where there are say, two daughters involved. (i.e. no son). - Here is my answer.
I think that Indian mothers and fathers are male obsessed. If they fail to have a son, or have two dauthers or more for that matter, one of the daughters is sacrificed in the alter of parental desire for a son and hence, one of the daughters will perform for her parents what was expected of a son. This is not only for daughters but this fact stands thue even for single women. It is expected somehow, that if one is single, then the onus of responsibility of looking after the aging parents falls invariably on her. This is like some unspoken law. Hence, expect a few things should there be two daughters or more -
1. One of the daughters will remain single
2. That she will not be involved and committed romantically to anyone for as long as her parents live.
3. Expect that she will be a martyr and her parents/ even she herself will glorify her singlehood as a sacrifice for her parents.
4. That on their passing away, she might find herself waking up too late in the day to claim her right to her own share of happiness.
5. She is caught in a fix of a different nature - she must be like a man but not really enjoy the rights he seems to enjoy like coming home late in the night, not participating in household chores etc etc.
I say this from what I have seen my whole life. So, to answer your question, in the heads of Indian marriad couples with children, this way or that one of the child is a male child. So in that sense what you say later fits -
I personally find that parents, particularly mothers, are marinaded in the ‘Son-mantra’…and there is indeed a feeling of betrayal when he is not at hand to give primary care…
In the Indian context, in Patriarchal societies, the son has the added, socially created place - that without a son lighting the funeral pyre of a dead father, moksha cannot be achieve!! Never mind that during the lifetime of such a son, he may be responsible for putting many of his sisters, wives and neighbour's wife, including his girl child on the funaral pyre too.
As many have stated I too feel the same Anjala: times have changed, we need to move on and although we as thinking Indians would hate to just follow a dumb western pattern of life and how to deal with the aged, our aging parents need to evolve from their set of beliefs/ideas/ expectations.
Its about time. Thanks once again and thanks also for this wonderful compliment - that I am a prolific writer. It is the only other passion I am totally dedicated to every day of my life.
Julia
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Julia, you are too prolific and I ask advance maafi for irregular attendance at your space. I do read as many as I can. Some need a lot of chewing and time constraints prevent me from giving them the attention they deserve to generate a coherent comment. Here, once again, you have, presented a case study that leads one to mull over choices, changing norms, expectations and disappointments.
Would this case be viewed differently if there were two daughters instead of one son and a daughter? I ask, because I do see a difference, in cases where there are say, two daughters involved. (i.e. no son). I personally find that parents, particularly mothers, are marinaded in the ‘Son-mantra’…and there is indeed a feeling of betrayal when he is not at hand to give primary care…however much the same may be provided by the daughter/s. And I have noticed that ironically, the infrequent visitor-son is more fawned upon than the daily caregiver, who is oft taken for granted.
Like Sachin, there are those who have, by choice or circumstances, effected a degree of geographical non-proximity – ‘escaped’ so to say, the daily hands-on care, the relentless nature of which can be quite depleting. (I had written a poem on this very topic!) Some, like Sachin manage to do their bit (or assuage their guilt? ) – by giving ample monetary help to offset the vacuum they leave behind. A ‘puter for a puttar, these days – with a web cam as an added treat! At times, sadly, even a phone call is not forthcoming.
This is by no means a judgement against not-available-on-call sons or daughters. When our parents left villages and came to the city to better their life, and that of their families back home, if their parents in turn were not able or willing to abandon the village-farm life to resettle in the city, (if they were welcome, that is!) – is it a surprise that the scenario will probably be reenacted – from small town to metro, from bungalows to apartments that cannot harbour larger families, or taking it still further, migrating to another country and culture? Uprooting and transplanting the elderly is not a happy option. With shrinking families, the natural outcome is a spurt in building of retirement homes. Just an observation!Reply | | Report Abuse
Hi Maria,
It is absolutely wonderful of you to visit Maria. I am very touched indeed. How can any of my case studies be ever complete without you.
I too am the only child of my parents. My Maa was very ill all her life but she worked as well. I am very happy that on her last days and uptil her last breath I was always there with her. I think that what you say about women building a support system for them selves is very important. One never knows what our choices will be in future and yes, it is always changing. But, that which makes us a dynamic giver in every way, is perhaps one of the prime reason that will see us through our toughest days. Why the later years, even in our prime time and the years between, it is how much we incvest in people and people-based projects, how much we give and receive that determines, how we are going to wade through difficult time. I have found a family in everyone I have been with, on a personal level as well as in the neighbourhood, because, I make each one feel I need them and make them know, I need them too. I think this is an important exchange - to be bonded in need, but not be dependent. Women, and men must stay invested positively.
Finally, thanks for sharing about your mother. Its lovely to know. I feel closer to you and her, because you shared
Julia
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Hello Julia,
As others have said, a case/story which reflects the realities of today!
And as always- you have narrated and analysed the situations quite well...
I suppose it really depends on the individual and their unique situations. All of us know many similar situations...and everyone (every family) involved, tries to come up with their own situations..
It is hard to judge or offer any easy solutions...and as I have always said- these life situations are fluid (constantly change) and we make decisions accordingly..
*One thing I would suggest is- for women to "build systems of support" (as in small networks of relatives and friends- even as they/we raise our own children)...sometimes we are so self-absorbed in the interests of only our "own" (biological) children and don't bother to take the time to nourish other relationships...we let them fade..
I am an only child and my mother (who is in her 70s- lives in India after living in the US for 30 years...it is a choice she made)..She is an extraordinary woman...she seems to have many people who are always there- caring for her/helping her, which is amazing to me (it is obviously because she is reaches out and helps so many people). Whenever I can, I try to care for older neighbors in my community in the US (I feel if people help my mother, I should do that for other mothers here- who are away from their children)
Sure, we miss each other a lot and are always there for each other- but, I suppose..the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" can be modified to "it takes a village to care for all parents (not just our parents!)"...as times change..I think we have to create "extended families"..
*If my mother becomes ill, I am sure- I would have to make changes..but, as long as older parents are healthy...support systems do work..in my view!
best,
Maria
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Dear Sampath,
I agree with you. Even Taslima Nasreen who lived 12 years abroad has one thing to say - she never felt at home there. I suppose it is all in ones own mind what one wants and where. But, it is true, that if in future he wants to return, as so many do in their twilight years, they find no one here whom they can relate to and vice versa. Hence, like it or not they have to return. Bonding is a give and take, both ways. Thanks for your comment.
Julia
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Choices one has to make
always has a price to pay
the question which price
benefit is better for me.
he will realise this when he reaches the age of retirement.
he would find it difficult to settle down there
and will have no great linkage
in India to settle down.when i am old i dont expet my childern to look after me.
because what you have stated is their reality.
let me prepare myself for the future!!
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